Some more late night thoughts.. 

I am too much of a hopelessly romantic. And he is too much of a realistic. When I told him I was depressed he told me he had to go to bed. Everything started jumbling in front of my eyes and the things shouldn’t really matter started hurting too. You are supposed to be there with me and try to make me feel good. I got upset and texted “you are not doing anything in this relationship” you read it and thought about replying. But you didn’t want to get into a fight before you go to bed so you didn’t reply. World around me is just crumbling. To go and do something fun I risk fights and what not with my parents. I can’t leave them either because then I have nobody. You don’t make me feel supported and I have a very strong feeling you will throw your hands on the air if I ever fall in a very bad situation and then also blame me for putting you in a situation that requires you to do something that you don’t want to and it’s making you feel like and asshole. 

I don’t know… Maybe your priority has changed a lot. Relationship means nothing to you at all. I am nothing more than someone you talk to in a daily basis. Nothing more than a friend. And when I say friend.. I don’t mean a very good friend. Just someone you are trying to be nice to but don’t care as much if they get hurt. 

It kind of hurts because I am the kind of persons who has to have everything all figured out. Who gets anxiety attacks all the time and think it’s stupid to talk about feelings to other people and seek out help. I am feeling very alone and I am sorry that I am blaming you.  You could’ve been a little more supportive but it’s not your fault that I am feeling this way. It’s my fault for not keeping it altogether. I am just very very sad at this moment. 

I am also feeling stupid for the amount of attention I am seeking and it’s just very very stupid. I think, if I were to kill myself tonight how would you feel tomorrow? Would you feel bad for not talking to me? How would my parents feel? They probably still wouldn’t understand and blame it all on some made up weird stuff that they believed caused me to go against their faith. 

I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to pick up my life and do something fun like going to a cafe and flipping through books without having to worry about anything else at all. I just wanted to clean my little place and  sit on my swing, I just wanted someone to talk to and laugh with. I just hate it that when you try to love me now I get annoyed. It feels fake.. Like some kind of built in anger in me saying “you don’t care about me at all, stop pretending now that you love me” I feel like the worst person in this world for thinking like that. You are a very nice person maybe just not right for me. And I am scared to let go of you.. 

I am scared of being alone… But I am afraid that’s what I am. 

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