I wanted to become independent for a very long time. It all started when I wanted to go out to play at 3pm outside and my mom locked the door and little me couldn’t reach it, when I really really wanted to buy some candy but my mom wouldn’t let me get it, when I really wanted to buy that decorative vase and my dad said it’s unnecessary. Few years ago when I finally started to getting my paychecks to my own bank account I thought I was independent. I thought I can handle it all, after all I have been preparing for last 10 or so years. But I confused myself. Independent is when you have the option to choose and you make a reasonable decision not being able to afford everything you want because you will never have them all. Our want never ends.
In my past relationship, I thought I was very independent and responsible but actually I was dependent on him to make the right decisions. I forced all my energy into making him understand the value of making good decision, value of whatever the hell I liked. My happiness dependent on his wish and choices. Now there can be pages and pages about how two people need to come together to keep each other happy but regardless we need to be able to tweak the picture of the future we imagine to fit our situation. Not trying our best to keep it as original because I will never be able to live my life traveling or shop in whole foods or try out all the food trucks here, but what I can do is be happy with going for a late night walk by myself or with someone, feel comfortable walking into a food place and not order it “to go”.
I am at that part of my life where things are just how they are. I don’t jump up and down with over excitement or cry out loud for something I had been waiting for. I finally realized that there’s no point of blaming everybody else for my sorrow when I am the one isn’t happy with myself. I am not depressed at all, but I kept looking for excuses that prevented me from being happy while I could just forget about them and try to find what makes me happy. I don’t need to be right in everyone’s eyes, I don’t need to let them know how I don’t agree with their view points and I certainly don’t need to be upset over someone’s comment when I know it’s not true. I don’t need to justify my stand to anyone and if I do need to justify my position or proof why I am allowing myself to think that way then I probably shouldn’t even be with them for any reason. I want to be independent.
If you are confused by this totally random post then know, they are just thoughts. I am pretty content with my life at this point. I talk to my mom every day and tell her how my day is going, I force Trevor to take me out to get some bubble tea, I look up things to get for my future apartment. I think about traveling somewhere and maybe move outside of United States. I just needed to make sure I take a step back and rethink the way I view life.
If you are struggling with negativity around you or maybe just a little upset or even tired of things happening around you, know that it’s not you responsibility to fix it. The only responsibility you have is to keep yourself happy and take care of your love. Don’t overwhelm yourself by giving all of you to the people you love (parents, significant others, kids) They will be happy when they see you are happy. You unknowingly transfer your worries to the people you love when you stress out. It’s okay to feel lost and not satisfy every single need. Your happiness only depends on you.