I was listening some old Hindi music that came out in late 90’s, early 2000. They fueled my pre-teen and early teen years. Not sure because of the teen hormones or something else they meant so much. When I listen to them they take me to a special place. I crave that strong emotion I used to have. The strong interest to be noticed, be someone. Pretending to be the protagonist of some romantic novel, and the ability to be in such a haze in a busy or quiet street without a care for the world.
I am having a very usual stressful time. My school is going full-blown and I feel stressed. I am actually stressed about not doing the huge amount of workload I have this semester.. I am such a procrastinator. I do not study as hard as my classmates, I do not spend much time studying and spend more time about how I need to study and I am quite surprised how I have passed all these classes thus far in my college life. I am pretty proud to stay I still haven’t gotten a C.
Work is great. I feel guilty for having such a nice job I have with the wonderful people in my team and how they trust me with the responsibilities. Probably for the first time in my life I don’t come home from work exhausted and complaining about it. I feel I am not working hard enough here compared to when I worked two jobs and that makes me guilty, I feel I should be working harder. Maybe I like complication.
I moved into a new place. I quite like it. Sure, it’s not THE coolest place in the town and to be honest, I don’t care as much about living in “cool area” if it doesn’t fit my bill. But thankfully, I love the neighborhood. I like to walk there after work/school and see the pretty houses and the cats. I so far named them “scratches”, “Poop” and “Indy-2.” Every day I see something new like the poster below.
I am so frustrated with the current politics. I am trying my hardest to not think about this. It doesn’t matter what I think.
I am scared to graduate. I am scared to apply to grad school. What if I end up having a lot of student loans and not able to pay back or get a job that will help me pay that back? What a looser I would look like if my masters don’t help me get a job. The kids in my field are so sharp! I am intimidated.
I have had Mediterranean food straight for past 2 weeks. I don’t seem to get tired of all the halal style food places (halal guru, halal corner, halal bros, Aimee’s super fantazmo and bunch more)
I have purchased some spices from spice tree organics and bought a food processor so I can make my own falafel. I am hoping for less take out and more homemade food this year. So far this is the only kind of food that I can’t satisfy my craving by cooking at home. Here’s hoping to perfecting this recipe.
I bought a few cheap artworks in hope it will brighten up my place, but I am too much of a chicken to hang them. I bought some command hooks to hang them and one of them has already fallen (not sure what I expected)
I like my blue car, it’s small. It’s growing up way too fast though (lots of mileage)
I am running out of random thoughts and will now go watch “parade’s end” (Benedict Cumberbatch is kind of cute)
Enjoy my cat’s pictures.
How do I become numb?
My car stops in the middle of the road sometimes, I am in an urgent need of getting it checked or buying a new one. My phone screen went black yesterday. I have no motivation to go to classes. I started an internship that I really like and I really want to do a good job, but I feel as if I am failing. It all comes together and I feel as if I am drowning…
Disclaimer: This post does not take away my right to say “that’s karma for you” to my friends, family and coworkers.
Growing up I have always seen my mom put her hair in bun few times a day and the way she did it left me mesmerized. She didn’t use any hair tie, ribbon, clip or anything and in my tiny brain I couldn’t figure out how she does it. I tried tying knots in my hair but it never stayed. After many months of unsuccessful attempt I told myself only adults can do it. It somehow became the symbol of being responsible and an entry gift of adulthood. Few months ago when I kept zipping my hair in the backpack I realized it was time to master the skill of no accessory hair bun. The secret is to have very dull hair, the kind that you have 1 day after shampooing or when you come home from a walk through a foggy street.
That’s not the only thing that reminded me I was somewhat adult (and I promise it has nothing to do with my coming birthday this January) I had lunch with two of my favorite teachers from high school. They are the most amazing people I have ever met. Quite frankly, I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met them. They infused loads of confidence in me and pointed me in the right direction. They were always very kind and I felt very comfortable around them. I would take my lunch up to Mr. Blackwood’s class, even when I didn’t have him as my teacher. I always loved how everyone hung out in his room, students that never had him would come to class and ask lollipops from him. On Fridays he would bring brownies. Mrs. Wasiak has always looked out for me outside of just the class curriculum. She has told me about different opportunities that I should take and I did take them and so grateful I did. I enjoyed her classes and I remember she was the first one to introduce me to spinach and cheese ravioli (I am not sure if it was ravioli or tortellini, but it was some sort of spinach and cheese stuffed pasta) that she brought into class. It’s one of my favorite. I love them and can not explain in words how wonderful it was to catch up with them. I hope to keep in touch with them.
Another note on doing the adult thing, I am itching to do a project for few months and while I was in school, I said I would do it when I don’t have school and now that I don’t have school I couldn’t think of one useful and easy to do project. If you don’t know already I am getting my own apartment this coming summer and since it’s not a student housing apartment I will need to have my own furniture. I don’t want to make a bunch of big purchases so after carefully thinking I decided to remove a few items from my shopping list. As a student it is very useful to have your own writing desk. An area dedicated to studying. But knowing myself, the only place that I study the most is on my bed. I do not like sitting down in one place for a long period time and it seemed like a waste of space to get a writing desk. I know we would be getting a dining table because years of eating on my bed while I watch cooking videos led to too many dirty bed sheets, overeating without acknowledging and no quality time with family and food. And since I am not going to have a party or people over constantly I could just study on my dining table, but it didn’t seem right to store my books and other stuff on it. I still wanted the dining table to have the traditional dining table appeal. So, I started hunting for my options and after few hours of searching, drinking a gallon of tea and munching on crabs I decided on a small kitchen cart. I could roll it around from living room to bedroom, bedroom to dining room, dining room to the balcony and yeah of course in the kitchen. It’s small so it takes less space, I could put all my books and notebooks on the shelves and I can put my pens, scissors and other school supplies in the drawer.
It was a little hard to find something that did not look very much kitchen cart-y and weren’t expensive. So I bought a cheap kitchen cart and decided to spray paint it white. So this is currently what my floor looks like, I will post another blog post when it’s done to show the final product.
Overall today was a good day, getting some project done, meeting some of my favorite people and a very relaxed day.
The best way to win an argument is not to have one. We don’t earn a big trophy saying we won an argument and I am really interested in knowing how many times in internet history someone had a huge argument with people they didn’t know and at the end they said “You are right” and acknowledged their defeat. I bet the percentage is very small. The thing is that I know; I know people who loves to be rude or say something just for the sake of sounding smart will never agree with whatever the hell you are trying to prove. I know that. I know that often times they will end up taking the argument to a different direction or talk about how you look, talk about how funny your name is, talk about your religion, nationality. I mean, I did study the fallacies of argument, but someone who clearly picks out a thing just to be nasty doesn’t care about that. I thought this break would be wonderful. I would sink into my bed and read all the books that I have acquired (I counted, I have yet to read 23 books that’s currently in my bedroom)
I ended up being on social media most of the time. I found myself crying over the refugee stories posted on Humans Of New York and strangely found myself arguing over people who thinks Muslims are terrorists or how bad the religion is. The thing is I am not a super religious person and I am not going to claim myself to be a 100% pure Muslim. But what I do know is that there are different measure of extreme in this religion. According to my family and a 80% of Muslim population that I know a religious person would be modest, they would not raise their voice, they will be lovable, they will not gossip, they will say prayers, they will cover themselves properly and so on. While I agree the Muslim dominant countries are very corrupted I also would like to point out that “religion” is the most effective weapon of all. Government in those countries knows the easiest way to take control over people is the fear of going to hell. Prestige and respect is a huge thing in Islam and the Islamic rulers takes advantage of it (Not just Islam though, many religious leaders). I remember my dad arguing with one of his childhood friends on our dining table over Bangladesh government. Bangladesh is corrupted. The uncle (My dad’s childhood friend, I called him uncle) said “well the Islamic party should have taken control over it” and my dad replied, “You mean, the people who killed and raped thousands of people, helped Pakistani army to kill Bengali soldier during the independence war?” Uncle replied, “we would be much better off if we were part of Pakistan”
I could tell you all about what is wrong with his argument, but what is important is that he is blinded by the religious accessories they put on top of government. The person running for Islamic party had a slogan that said “if you want tickets for heaven, vote me.” I will let you decide how stupid that statement is and how exactly they manipulate poor and helpless people. My point of this post is not to defend any of them. My point is, the more we argue the more chaos we make. It seems like everybody is on a mission to sound smarter than the next person, to be better than the next person. “My religion is better than yours,” “my race is better than yours” and I am tired of this. What do I earn from pointing out a stupid, irrelevant topic on a cute video of a cat playing. Why can we not enjoy things, but rather want to be the center of attention and point out, a completely different thing to compare. Why can I not listen to Taylor Swift but also have to argue how Beyonce is so much better in her album and much better celebrity. I mean she probably is but why is that relevant in Taylor’s music video? Why in a civil right’s post some white person gets offended for not having the center of attention? Why people compare Bible and Quran when Bible had the luxury to change with time and Quran didn’t? Why do I have to constantly prove how “american” I am when I am paying my way through college and you get to enjoy unemployment benefit, child benefit selling weed. I do not care how you make your money, but I would care if you blame me for your problem. If you blame me for risking your luxury.
Anyway enough of my rant. I do not want to end this post with such heavy words. I am just a little bit of sad because I cancelled my study abroad trip to Cambodia. It was a very hard decision. After careful consideration, I realized instead of spending so much money on a month of study abroad, I could take two summer classes that will reduce me one semester and it will free up my next summer when I will finally be able to travel somewhere and volunteer without the pressure of study.
The only cool thing I have done in this break is going to the trail of lights. I also came home to jilapis (also known as jalebi) and I used my last dining dollars on chocolate croissant.
Happy Turkey Day! Hope you had an amazing, tummy stuffing holiday. For me, I came home from work with a fever and terrible unknown back pain. I feel very bad for thanksgiving for some reason this American holiday seems a little cursed apart from the tragic event that led to this holiday but also how this holiday is right before finals and do we need to talk about black Friday? Not judging you for getting that thing you got waiting in that long line, because I totally did too. My mother had been crying for a toaster oven because it’s energy efficient plus she hates how every time she has to take out all the pots and pan she stores there (Have I mentioned how smart she is about every little household things, or is it normal?)
So we went to Walmart and jcpenney to get a toaster oven and I also got a slow cooker. While I was waiting in the line, I was thinking how good it feels to have the financial freedom to want something to buy? (Not literally buying, because come on now! My dad never gave me a small loan of 1 million dollars) but knowing I could dream about it makes me feel a lot better.
I remember growing up not having any choice over what I wanted. My parents have always been very big on saving money, so instead of cheaply made sparkly hot pink backpack I had a camouflage backpack, which would hide the dirt. Mind you, I was not in Texas so that did not make me really happy. My parents told me the sparkly ones break in a few months and sure they did, but I thought that was a good thing, I mean they get to buy a new one with extra cool stuff and they did too. My dad has always been smart about making purchasing decisions, my mom? Sorta… sometimes it’s hard to argue with her when she is set on going to the other Walmart 25 minutes away because they might have the 3$ cheaper toaster oven. She also sucks just a little with American cooking; After discussing for two and a half day we settled on instead of me wanting to cook a whole turkey, I will cook a whole chicken and she can cut the turkey to make curry. I brought all the things needed to cook my herb lemon garlic-y chicken.
^^ Okay I know that’s not the prettiest looking chicken, but trust me it smelled good and I blame the knife to for not being able to chop the herbs finely. I stuck half of a lemon and some garlic cloves inside too.
After baking it, I put it on top of the counter and went back to my bedroom to read “the curious incident of the dog in the night-time” (Pretty hooked) and I fell asleep.
I woke up to find very well shredded chicken on the table and my baked chicken was nowhere to be found. Turns out my mother had taken the extra step to lower my workload. I was pretty upset for not being able to take a nice picture, but maybe was more upset to find whole garlic cloves in my bite. I asked her, “Did you take out the stuff from inside the chicken?”
“Well, I made a salad with the leaves (herbs) and squeezed the lemon juice on top”
[rolls eyes] “and what about the garlic cloves?”
“What? I didn’t see any”
The cloves were juicy and blended with shredded chicken. I tried my best to pick them out.
Oh! Forgot to mention! I got a french press and coffee grinder, my room smells pretty divine now 🙂
Last night while I was having my second dinner of the night, I was thinking who was I supposed to become?
I was supposed to be this girl who in a dinner party would nod right to left and say in a cutesy way “oh no thank you! I am stuffed”
But I find myself more often walking around the kitchen shamelessly and sometime aimlessly after dinner and asking “ummm… Is there any snacks?”
Don’t get me wrong I do like to think I will become healthy eater. One day I will find salad delicious. I will find a favorite vegetable that I can’t live a single day without. I will feel sick by the thought of having rice more than once a day. I love to think I will become one of those some day.
But in the mean time I find myself sadly looking at the empty plate and thinking how awfully good it would look with some delicious Mediterranean rice and kebab or maybe some fried rice? Mmm carne asadas sounds good too!
I just wish my so much of a big appetite could somehow be related to having awesome cookery skill. But it haven’t so I find myself on top of china hill eating chicken fried steak soaked on orange sauce
In my philosophy class today we talked about an interesting topic called “Cleveland Friend”. That’s a friend you get when you are in Cleveland. You are in Cleveland and you are in trouble, do you have a friend you call who will get on the plane to help you as soon as they hear you are in trouble?
I am not talking about significant other but a friend who you do not owe money or who is not there to get any help from you. Do you have a friend like that? I do not.
It’s sad. But at the same time, are you a Cleveland friend to someone? Will you do that for someone at any cost? Would I do that?
This week is rather depressing. Finals are coming up faster than I hoped. The weather has been crazy it seems like there’s a flood alert every weekend from now on and I just want to crawl into a bed and read all the books that I got. I can’t start reading them because they feel like a commitment and if I start reading it you bet I won’t be studying for my physics test.
I am also very excited about my study abroad to Cambodia. I know it’s like 8 months away but how do you sleep when all you are thinking about “I am going to travel to a new place! Eat different food! Experience a new culture”
The only scary part is that I just broke my savings to pay off all my credit card debt. As of right now I have no debt other than student loan. I am going to have to pay 700$ for my car insurance next week. (I pay it once for the whole year to save money ) it’s least likely I will be able to save up for my trip. My estimated budget is about $5000 to have a comfortable trip. I am hoping for scholarships to atleast have some of it paid off. Just a bit stressed out about how to pay it without being in debt since I am also getting my own apartment next year. I hope it works out. I was planning on working on some side jobs but they seem very time consuming. I wish I was good enough writer to earn money through writing blog or creative.
Hope your week is going well.
Do you wake up one day and remember something happened a long time ago and it makes you feel very angry and just wants to make you go back and punch that person on the face? It’s probably been too long and no need for you to do that but you just can’t let that go from your mind no matter how hard you try? Well that happened to me today. I was already stressed about two tests coming up on same day. I had a very long 12 hours shift and it was also a game day plus weekend, so we stayed busy the whole time. I was tired. Out of nowhere I started crying like a crazy person. I miss myself. I can’t remember the last time I was jumping up and down excited, or cried my eyes out because I felt loved and happy. I am not saying I am not loved. I know I am loved, I know I am happy. But sometimes… sometimes everything seems to go wrong. You come across people who constantly put you down for no apparent reason and you can’t seem to figure why do they not like you. You come across people who loves pushing words on you to show their authority or to sound smart.
I remember the girl I used to be. I used to go to the rooftop of our 5th story apartment building and look at the ocean. I used to sing songs to the crows and imagined that they probably would discuss “the funny human creature” they saw today during dinner conversation. I remember the girl who would call and hang up purposely to her friend when the favorite song would come up on the radio. Because, phone calls and text messages were too expensive.
I remember in winter we would go visit my grandma’s house and everyone would make vapa pitha (also known as idli, it’s a steamed snack that’s made with rice flour and sometimes coconut and palm sugar stuffing) If we were lucky we would also have fresh palm syrup.
Then I come back to reality. I have to make enough money to get by, to save up for an apartment, to save up for some kind of emergency accident and also paying off student loan, make sure I keep my grades up otherwise everything else is wrong. I kind of enjoy the stress and business that comes with it but sometimes I get tired. I am always expected to keep doing something. I am way behind as far being social goes, I haven’t had time to explore the inner adventure self of mine yet. I am just waiting for this coming month to be over and go home for winter break.
I didn’t want to mask my sadness because everyone has bad days but to end the post with something fun I did last week.
^^ Shakespeare On The Farm “As You Like It”