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Confession Of a Foodaholic

Last night while I was having my second dinner of the night, I was thinking who was I supposed to become? 

I was supposed to be this girl who in a dinner party would nod right to left and say in a cutesy way “oh no thank you! I am stuffed” 

But I find myself more often walking around the kitchen shamelessly and sometime aimlessly after dinner and asking “ummm… Is there any snacks?”

Don’t get me wrong I do like to think I will become healthy eater. One day I will find salad delicious. I will find a favorite vegetable that I can’t live a single day without. I will feel sick by the thought of having rice more than once a day. I love to think I will become one of those some day. 

But in the mean time I find myself sadly looking at the empty plate and thinking how awfully good it would look with some delicious Mediterranean rice and kebab or maybe some fried rice? Mmm carne asadas sounds good too! 

I just wish my so much of a big appetite could somehow be related to having awesome cookery skill. But it haven’t so I find myself on top of china hill eating chicken fried steak soaked on orange sauce  

 

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Cleveland Friend

  In my philosophy class today we talked about an interesting topic called “Cleveland Friend”. That’s a friend you get when you are in Cleveland. You are in Cleveland and you are in trouble, do you have a friend you call who will get on the plane to help you as soon as they hear you are in trouble? 

I am not talking about significant other but a friend who you do not owe money or who is not there to get any help from you. Do you have a friend like that? I do not. 

It’s sad. But at the same time, are you a Cleveland friend to someone? Will you do that for someone at any cost? Would I do that? 

Maybe. 

This week is rather depressing. Finals are coming up faster than I hoped. The weather has been crazy it seems like  there’s a flood alert every weekend from now on and I just want to crawl into a bed and read all the books that I got. I can’t start reading them because they feel like a commitment and if I start reading it you bet I won’t be studying for my physics test.

I am also very excited about my study abroad to Cambodia. I know it’s like 8 months away but how do you sleep when all you are thinking about “I am going to travel to a new place! Eat different food! Experience a new culture” 

The only scary part is that I just broke my savings to pay off all my credit card debt. As of right now I have no debt other than student loan. I am going to have to pay 700$ for my car insurance next week. (I pay it once for the whole year to save money ) it’s least likely I will be able to save up for my trip. My estimated budget is about $5000 to have a comfortable trip. I am hoping for scholarships to atleast have some of it paid off. Just a bit stressed out about how to pay it without being in debt since I am also getting my own apartment next year.  I hope it works out. I was planning on working on some side jobs but they seem very time consuming. I wish I was good enough writer to earn money through writing blog or creative.

Hope your week is going well.

 

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Life can sometimes make you very very vey unhappy

Do you wake up one day and remember something happened a long time ago and it makes you feel very angry and just wants to make you go back and punch that person on the face? It’s probably been too long and no need for you to do that but you just can’t let that go from your mind no matter how hard you try? Well that happened to me today. I was already stressed about two tests coming up on same day. I had a very long 12 hours shift and it was also a game day plus weekend, so we stayed busy the whole time. I was tired. Out of nowhere I started crying like a crazy person. I miss myself. I can’t remember the last time I was jumping up and down excited, or cried my eyes out because I felt loved and happy. I am not saying I am not loved. I know I am loved, I know I am happy. But sometimes… sometimes everything seems to go wrong. You come across people who constantly put you down for no apparent reason and you can’t seem to figure why do they not like you. You come across people who loves pushing words on you to show their authority or to sound smart.

I remember the girl I used to be. I used to go to the rooftop of our 5th story apartment building and look at the ocean. I used to sing songs to the crows and imagined that they probably would discuss “the funny human creature” they saw today during dinner conversation. I remember the girl who would call and hang up purposely to her friend when the favorite song would come up on the radio. Because, phone calls and text messages were too expensive.

I remember in winter we would go visit my grandma’s house and everyone would make vapa pitha (also known as idli, it’s a steamed snack that’s made with rice flour and sometimes coconut and palm sugar stuffing) If we were lucky we would also have fresh palm syrup.

Then I come back to reality. I have to make enough money to get by, to save up for an apartment, to save up for some kind of emergency accident and also paying off student loan, make sure I keep my grades up otherwise everything else is wrong. I kind of enjoy the stress and business that comes with it but sometimes I get tired. I am always expected to keep doing something. I am way behind as far being social goes, I haven’t had time to explore the inner adventure self of mine yet. I am just waiting for this coming month to be over and go home for winter break.

I didn’t want to mask my sadness because everyone has bad days but to end the post with something fun I did last week.

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^^ Shakespeare On The Farm “As You Like It”

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Camping at Meridian


So do you remember last time I told you that I plan on camping at all the state parks in Texas? Well I figured I gotta get moving with that list since Texas isn’t tiny. Our plan was to go to mustang state island which is right by the beach. The weather has been sunny and cold at night so it seemed like a perfect time. But just the day before we found out there’s a red tide and I don’t know about you, but I definitely wouldn’t like to spend my day off with dead fish. We hurried to find another campsite that’s not way too far. After few hours of searching we settled on Meridian state park. Most parks were reserved already.

We didn’t organize  our camping stuff very well. So we bought some chips, salsa, bananas, batteries for lantern, water, travel size shampoo and a rotassire chicken. We couldn’t find our lantern+fan but figured it was in our car and we rolled with it. We still had few travel size toiletteries from last time so that worked out. The ride was pretty pleasant other than a weird 30 minutes of heavy rain and a full stop traffic in the middle of the road for construction. My gps had few minor difficulties. I lost my phone signal completely as soon we got to meridian. We camped near the corner but we didn’t have as much privacy as McKinney falls. We opened up our instant tent and found our lantern inside lit up!! Seriously, it’s been more than a month and I was quite surprise that the battery was still going strong. We changed the battery out to turn the fan on but the fan gave up on us

   luckily, it wasn’t hot and humid and towards the end of the night we actually got pretty cold. This time we didn’t take our air mattress and got ourself some sleeping bags. They were pretty cheap ones so it wasn’t as cushiony as I would like it to be. Next time we would have to get some sleeping pad and lots of blankets. We slept pretty good that night.
The park itself is pretty small. It’s great for fishing and kayaking. We talked about getting kayak boats although I don’t see it happening soon since none of our car is too big and it’s very less likely we will be back at this park again. It’s a decent park but not great enough to travel about 2hrs and 30 minutes to camp when we could find something new.

  
  

  
 We went for a small hike to the scenic overview on the very same day. It was beautiful. The next morning after we woke up we went for a full hike and hiked about 2.6 miles. On our way we saw a huge snake family which was a bit scary. Good thing we didn’t see them the day before. Sleeping at night would’ve been a torture. On our way back we stopped by a place called “burger and wok.” We went inside and failed to see the Chinese menu part of it. It was taken off for some reason. So we got ourself fritto pie and burgers and  coffe icecream and double dragon( tso chicken and sweet n sour chicken) to go (icecream had the flavor but it had a bits of little chewy chunky things, sort of if you tried to make a dough and the starch didn’t mix well , that kind) other foods were okay.



  
The next day was Saturday and Austin was having their pecan street festival. We took a bus to downtown to see it.

  
 We got ourself funnel cake (delicious!!) we didn’t buy anything and just walked around. We ended up walking from 6th street to Barton spring road and went to sandys to get icecream.

  
We got back from the festival tired and happy. It was a happy weekend.

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Song That I am Listening to..

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that’s what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I’m off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I’m yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don’t ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That’s why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

xo

This is such a sweet and romantic song! When I first heard it I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics but when I did it’s even more beautiful.

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Camping 

The only few times in my life I admit that I made mistakes, this week was one of them and I would love to pass on that advice to anyone who is willing to hear. Most likely I know any sensible person would already know that but here it goes “Do not set up your tent when it’s raining.”  

  I am glad that we invested on a tarp. Who knew out of all the days of summer the one day we reserved for camping is going to be full of pouring rain. Speaking of which I suggest reserving your campsite in advance. You can do it online and pay it online if you are going to a state park. We got a pretty good camping site. Very close to the restroom and shower but not so close that you see everyone going in and out. We had good privacy.  For tent, we picked a 4 person tent. Seriously! When buying tent make sure to think of it as you are buying for double the amount of people. We had comfortable space for two people. I cannot imagine 4 people in there. I believe it’s called ozturk instant dome 4 person tent. I am quite happy with the purchase. The tent was super easy to set up. Less than 3 minutes. For sleeping we got a twin sized air bed mattress. Even though it says on tent packaging that a queen size mattress would fit. The tent door is very tiny for that. And there wouldn’t be any moving space at all. We made the mistakes of getting an electric pumped one. We ran and bought ac inverter to pump the mattress from car. We also didn’t try to pump it at home before using it. It’s advised that you pump your mattress for few hours before using it. It was still comfortable but sleeping bag  would probably have done the job. We also got a cheap camp light with fan and I am so glad that I did. Even with the raining and cool weather it definitely does get warm inside the tent and the very little airflow the fan provided was a life saver. We realized when the batteries went out around 4 am. It was our fault for not packing extra batteries. So pack extra batteries folks. Pack light. I brought 3 books and ton of food and other stuff. Get a freezer bag with travel size mouthwash, soap, powder (help you with sweat), shampoo and conditioner if you are thinking about staying for few days, lotion, hand towels and baby wipes. I kept the baby wipes in cooler so it felt like heaven in humidity. Speaking of which get a small cooler to keep water. We bought 24 pack water to wash our face and drinking. Bring extra pair of clothes and swimsuits, towels and a book. There’s nothing wrong with getting granola bars and take out food 

   
    

Even though we had brought cooking stove and stuff, we couldn’t resist take out bbq.

Thankfully we had an extra towel to lay it inside the tent so we were able to wipe our feet coming in. We didn’t have to if I waited for the rain to stop to set the tent.    
Have plenty of plastic bags to store dirty clothes and trash. Paper towels and flashlight is good idea. I also recommend having extra roll of toilet paper just incase. I have to say I was very pleased with how well taken care was the park. No horror in the toilet stalls. We saw park rangers all the time. For cooking I brough camping pots and pans, stove with butane.  

    
  

We also had pancake mix (add water and pour kind) however we totally forgot oil. The pans were not nonsticky. So we settled for canned steak and potatoes. It was good.  

If you plan on going out for stroll or paranoid about someone stealing your stuff. Invest in a very tiny locks to lock the zipper. If anybody wants to steal anything from your tent they might as well just use a knife to cut through it and you shouldn’t be taking expensive stuff to camping anyway, but it does give you peace of mind.

It was a pleasant experience over all. And I am going to do it again 🙂 hopefully all around United States someday!! 

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Go on an adventure with a complete stranger

Since being single I have been thinking a lot about my life. I spent most of my time securing a perfect future. Be with the man I hope to have a family one day and make sure that we are financially secure for our future, making sure he is happy, making sure everyone is happy. I have put off hanging out with friends, making new friends because I was so invested with making my future perfect. I thought I was happy, and I don’t think I was unhappy..But I think I should take action to let my random side explore and stop being so worried and focused about my future. I have done something today that I never thought I would..

I bought a ziplining package from groupon earlier this year hoping to go with my ex.. It never worked out and now that it’s about to expire I was worried about losing the value.. The place was in boerno which is pretty far away, and being a nervous driver I didn’t want to drive that far. None of the people I knew weren’t available or couldn’t drive that far.. So I took advantage of online meeting people site..(ahem dating site? Where else you can meet people who give you attention and be extra nice to you? )

I wasn’t thinking too much when I asked stephen if he wanted to go ziplining with me.. He said yes, I also felt a bit safe since he lived in the apartment next to me. I bought a groupon for ziplining at the beginning of the year and it was about to expire. I didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours away from austin and none of my friends were up for it either. So… I took a chance and I am glad I did. It turned out to be one of the spontaneous thing I have ever done.image

On our way to Boerne we noticed this tiny little fair was happening. We parked by DQ to grab some icecream and walked over to the fair. They had these tiny little booths full of pretty things, antiques, decor, bags. I regretted not having cash on me.

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Look at this cool car!

We stopped by a tiny little coffee shop next to the fair. It was the most adorable place I have seen. I would definitely drive an hour to go visit that coffee shop. Well maybe..

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Little lounge area

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Wall full of kiddie arts..

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Then we walked to the courthouse and they were getting ready to do yoga.

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We hit the road again after our little stop. We saw a trail of vintage cars, I posted a video of it on my instagram.

Once we arrived at the location we were welcomed by longhorns. We parked by the office only to find out nobody was there..we walked around a bit and then saw a house and knocked in there. A woman came out and she told us to go to the general store.

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We stopped by a little cafe restaurant and had some sweet tea.

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The inside was a little dark, but it was one of the prettiest cozy restaurant I have ever seen.

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Then we went straight to the general store and had some burger and fries

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Then we follow the tour guy and went straight to the climbing tower. I am ashamed to say that I chickened out and didn’t came back after climbing half way through. Rock climbing isnt my thing.

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Then we went to the ziplining place and it was the scariest and funnest thing I have ever done. After that we headed back to austin.

This is probably not the smartest thing I have ever done, nor do I recommend, especially if you don’t feel comfortable going 2 hours way from the city to a country area with a stranger you just met.. But it was definitely fun and I look forward to do some more spontaneous things in future.

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Very Personal Bucket List

IMG_3698Hey,

You probably don’t know that I am single now. Just one stick figure in this whole big world. We just changed too much to carry on the same bundle of feelings that we built together. I don’t want to spend too much time talking about us anymore, let’s talk about me! If there’s one thing I realized after this that is I am very alone. No, not really. I still have friends. But I never had the bestie to just call and go hangout, or talk to with my heart open, or show something interest I found on the internet. I struggle with anxiety when I want to go see something new. I don’t have enough confidence in me to go to the adventures alone. This is probably the very long lasting and hard reality that I will face for the long time. So I made me a list of things I want to accomplish not to fit in a perfect romantic picture with someone but because I have always wanted to.

1. Learn how to ride a bike.

2. Learn how to swim (this one may be the last one to get done)

3. Go camping (I asked if anyone wanted to go, nobody replied so I figured I should do this my own)

4. Visit a country or different state by myself.

5. Go out to eat somewhere by myself.

6. Focus on cooking new things.

7. And if all those work out, then maybe I will join a meetup group.

So far these are the all the things I added, we will see how it works out.

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Some more late night thoughts.. 

I am too much of a hopelessly romantic. And he is too much of a realistic. When I told him I was depressed he told me he had to go to bed. Everything started jumbling in front of my eyes and the things shouldn’t really matter started hurting too. You are supposed to be there with me and try to make me feel good. I got upset and texted “you are not doing anything in this relationship” you read it and thought about replying. But you didn’t want to get into a fight before you go to bed so you didn’t reply. World around me is just crumbling. To go and do something fun I risk fights and what not with my parents. I can’t leave them either because then I have nobody. You don’t make me feel supported and I have a very strong feeling you will throw your hands on the air if I ever fall in a very bad situation and then also blame me for putting you in a situation that requires you to do something that you don’t want to and it’s making you feel like and asshole. 

I don’t know… Maybe your priority has changed a lot. Relationship means nothing to you at all. I am nothing more than someone you talk to in a daily basis. Nothing more than a friend. And when I say friend.. I don’t mean a very good friend. Just someone you are trying to be nice to but don’t care as much if they get hurt. 

It kind of hurts because I am the kind of persons who has to have everything all figured out. Who gets anxiety attacks all the time and think it’s stupid to talk about feelings to other people and seek out help. I am feeling very alone and I am sorry that I am blaming you.  You could’ve been a little more supportive but it’s not your fault that I am feeling this way. It’s my fault for not keeping it altogether. I am just very very sad at this moment. 

I am also feeling stupid for the amount of attention I am seeking and it’s just very very stupid. I think, if I were to kill myself tonight how would you feel tomorrow? Would you feel bad for not talking to me? How would my parents feel? They probably still wouldn’t understand and blame it all on some made up weird stuff that they believed caused me to go against their faith. 

I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to pick up my life and do something fun like going to a cafe and flipping through books without having to worry about anything else at all. I just wanted to clean my little place and  sit on my swing, I just wanted someone to talk to and laugh with. I just hate it that when you try to love me now I get annoyed. It feels fake.. Like some kind of built in anger in me saying “you don’t care about me at all, stop pretending now that you love me” I feel like the worst person in this world for thinking like that. You are a very nice person maybe just not right for me. And I am scared to let go of you.. 

I am scared of being alone… But I am afraid that’s what I am.