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কবিতাটা বলার জন্য হাবিজাবি কথা

তখন আমার বয়স কতো হবে, পনেরো কি ষোল। আমি দিনরাত শাহানার একটা ছেলে গানটা শুনি আর তিন গোয়েন্দার রবিন মিলফোর্ডের কথা চিন্তা করি। হুমায়ুন আহমেদের রুপার মতো কাঠখোট্টা মায়াবতী হবার চিন্তা করি। দিন রাত এক পৃষ্ঠার দিকে তাকিয়ে পার করে দিই।

খাটের পাশের জানালাটা ছিল একদম মাথা ঘেষে, গরমকালে খুলে দিলে, শুয়ে শুয়ে আকাশ দেখা যেতো। আমি তারা চাঁদ সবই দেখতাম আর কি যে কল্পনা করতাম নিজেও জানিনা। বর্ষাকালে আম্মুর খুব বকা খেয়েও রাতের বেলা খুলে দিতাম জানালাটা যাতে এক ঝটকা বৃষ্টিটা যখন নামবে সেটা এসে আমার গায়ে লাগে।

এরপর চলে আসা অন্য শহরে, নিজেকে বাস্তবতায় টেনে তোলার চেষ্টা। কেন জানি মনে হয় এতগুলো বছর আমি ভুল গলিতে দৌঁড়ে বেড়িয়েছি। ভালোবেসেছি ভেবেছি কিন্তু কেমন যেন ফ্রেমের ভিতর নিজের ছবিটা আটানোর ব্যাস্ত চেষ্টা ছিল। মন দিয়ে কখনো ভাবিনি এই ছবিটাই কি মাথার উপরে ঝুলবে সারাটা জীবণ?

ইদানীং স্বপ্ন দেখি কত্তো বেশী। মনে হয় সেই পনেরো বছর বয়সে ফিরে গেছি। মনে হয় “ছোট্ট আমি,দুষ্ট আমি সে যে , হঠাৎ কেন হলাম জড়সড়” পেয়ে গেছি বন পাহাড়ি, ঝর্ণা, বৃষ্টি ফেলে আমায় ভালোবেসে ফেলা সেই ছেলেটিকে।

আচ্ছা, কখনো ভেবেছিলেন পৃথিবীর একদম উল্টোদিকে খুঁজে পাবেন এত্তো কাছের এরকম কাউকে? আমার অবাক লাগে, এতো ভালো লাগা কাউকে কিভাবে সম্ভব। আর এতো এতো সুখী কিভাবে লাগে? ঘোরলাগা সুখ। আমি বুঝি হয়তো বা এক সপ্তাহ, দু সপ্তাহ কিন্তু মাস পর হয়ে যায় আর আমি ততোই হাবুডুবু খাই গভীর প্রেমে। সন্ধ্যবেলার বৃষ্টি আসার আগের ভেজা বাতাসটার মতো ভালো লাগা সারাটা সময়, এমনকি প্রচন্ড মন খারাপেও বিরক্ত লাগে না আপনাকে। যখন ছোট্ট ছোট্ট কিছু কথা পাঠান আমি ব্যস্ত দুপরে অফিসেও হারিয়ে যাই অন্য কোথাও।

ভালো লাগে তো। অনেক বেশি।

রাত্রি যখন গভীর হয়, স্বপ্নরা হয় ভারী

মন খারাপের মন্দকথার ভীষণ বাড়াবাড়ি

তুমি গান শুনিয়ো বেসুরতায়; করো পাহারাদারী

আধো আধো একটু কথা,

পুরনো নতুন কতো কবিতা

শুনিয়ে আমি ভাববো ভীষণ, হচ্ছে বাহাদুরী।

তুমি জবাব দিয়ো উচ্ছলতায় কিংবা দুষ্টমীতে

নিরুত্তরের পত্রগুলোও উষ্ণ তুমুল শীতে

তুমি রাগিয়ে দিও ইচ্ছে হলেই

টেনোও খুব কাছে

তোমায় ছাড়া চাওয়ার আমার, কিইবা বলো আছে।

আমি ঘুমিয়ে যাই, এলোমেলো প্রিয় শাড়ির ভাজে

তুমি তাকিয়ে দেখো, লুকবো না আজ

বিচ্ছিরি কোনো লাজে

তুমি সরল করে বুঝিয়ে বলো কত্তো কঠিন কথা

আমি ভুলতে থাকি একটু করে কাকে, বলে ব্যথা

ভয়ও লাগে এই ভেবে, হারিয়ে যদি যাও

ব্যথাগুলো জাগবে আবার, যদি আমার না হও।

তুমি কঠিন হলে মাঝে মাঝে, নতুন করে চিনি

ভালো লাগা বাড়তে থাকে, এতোটুকু জানি

এতো কেন পুড়াও আমায় , ভালোবাসায় তুমি

বলছি ভালো নতুন করে, সত্যি বাসি আমি

ভাবতে ভীষন অবাক লাগে বেখেয়ালী আমি ।
রাতে পেরিয়ে ভোরেরা সব গল্প করে শুনি , তুমি আমি ঘুমোচ্ছি বেশ শব্দে গুনগনি …।
হাসতে গিয়ে আমায় দেখে চোখ করেছো ট্যারা , কালো ফ্রেমের চশমাটা আজ মিস করছি ,বড্ড ভীষন একা ।

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The mirror is so uncomfortable..

I am uncomfortable with my body for as long as I can remember. I was a “nadush nudush bachcha” (chubby kid) since I was little. My growth was noticeable compared to my friends. Before I hit puberty I was hearing vile words thrown at me on the street. I couldn’t wait to start sixth grade, when we can finally wear a dress and a wide scarf instead of skirt and suspender. I was mad. Not sure with whom, the institution that made a fifth grade child wear uniform not comfortable for her body? Or the society, that didn’t make her feel comfortable in her uniform?

By sixth grade I understood a lot about womanhood, I understood that the kind faced man you saw on the street who resembled someone’s dad could actually call you a piece of meat because you are a “lokkhi meye” (good girl) and you wouldn’t start a ruckus in the middle of the street like a girl from the bosti (slum) and they can get away with whatever they want.

I was overweight, so naturally conversation about my body was an open topic. I hated, absolutely hated taking public transportation. People stared. Men stared Women stared. I didn’t understand. It hurt, words hurt too even more so when it came from friends and family. They didn’t hold back telling me who told what about my body behind my back. I hated my existence.

Towards the end of my teenage years I wasn’t skinny but I was okay. I could look at the mirror and tolerate myself, I could even imagine wearing a pretty dress!

But then stress came running. I found myself taking comfort in food, I found myself in such a boring cycle everyday that the only excitement that I could control was my food. I am not sure why there was such an idea that stress makes you skinny, but I ate. I ate junk, I ate bad food and I overate. I laid in my bed on my day off and when I thought about get out of the bed it was to get a cheese danish. There were many more underlying reasons that contributed to my overweight but bottom line was I treated myself like shit.

I am wrapping my head around the idea of self love only recently. I didn’t want to take any pictures that I couldn’t control how I want to look (read selfie)

Mostly being tired of all the selfies on facebook, I asked my mom to take pictures of me which was a project itself. I had to find the frame and then ask her to stand and hold the phone still, then get in front of the camera hoping I look ok, yet I see her hand slowly moving to the right to the point you can only see my arm, going through 30 some pictures of me taken in a few seconds I find my mom never told me one of my button was open or the drape of my saree looks odd. It was even more depressing to see my body. Every single day I got depressed looking at those pictures. I saw my body from another person’s perspective and I thought “my God! Who in the world would find me attractive?how dare that I think of getting dolled up, it’s not worth it.” My self esteem deflates instantly.

I am now making the point of taking pictures and learning to love them. I am trying to take more photos of me that aren’t selfies even if that means awkwardly sitting in front of self timer

Or desperately seeking external happiness like impulse shopping or buying balloons even when I am dead tired

আমি হেসে হেসে বলি আমার খাবারপ্রীতির কথা, আমি হেসে হেসে বলি আমার শাড়ি পরার কারণ হলো আট বছর আগের পুরনো কামিজে ফিটতে না পারার ব্যর্থতা, আর আমি ক্ষমা চেয়ে নেই যখন কেউ বলে “এতো মোটা হয়েছ কেন? ওজন কমাচ্ছ না কেন?” আমি ক্ষমা চাই নিজেকে অন্যের চোখের মতো ভালোবাসতে না পারার জন্য, আমি কষ্ট পাই,নিজেকে আর দেখতে না চাওয়ার জন্য।

বিশ্বাস করো বা আর নাই করো,আমার ভালো লাগে না যখন চেয়ারে বসে পেটের ভাঁজ বুঝতে পারি, আমার ভালো লাগে না দুনিয়াতে এক্সট্রা ইঞ্চিগুলো দখল করে নেবার জন্য মাথা নিচু করে থাকতে, আমার ভালো লাগেনা শরীর লুকানোর জন্য কুঁজো হয়ে হাঁটতে।

খুব খারাপ লাগে যখন মনেহয় জীবনের সবচেয়ে বেশি সময় যেই শরীরটার সাথে কাটিয়েছি,তাকেই সবচেয়ে বেশি অবহেলা আর ঘৃনা করেছি।

এখন একটু একটু করে শিখতে শিখেছি, ভালোটা নিজেকেই বাসতে হয়,তা না হলে অন্য কেউ যতোই ভালো বাসুক না কেন সেটা পর্যাপ্ত হয় না।

Here’s to self love, self admiration, self acceptance, whatever you call it.. being comfortable with ourselves, be it our body or our mind.

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Confession Of a Foodaholic

Last night while I was having my second dinner of the night, I was thinking who was I supposed to become? 

I was supposed to be this girl who in a dinner party would nod right to left and say in a cutesy way “oh no thank you! I am stuffed” 

But I find myself more often walking around the kitchen shamelessly and sometime aimlessly after dinner and asking “ummm… Is there any snacks?”

Don’t get me wrong I do like to think I will become healthy eater. One day I will find salad delicious. I will find a favorite vegetable that I can’t live a single day without. I will feel sick by the thought of having rice more than once a day. I love to think I will become one of those some day. 

But in the mean time I find myself sadly looking at the empty plate and thinking how awfully good it would look with some delicious Mediterranean rice and kebab or maybe some fried rice? Mmm carne asadas sounds good too! 

I just wish my so much of a big appetite could somehow be related to having awesome cookery skill. But it haven’t so I find myself on top of china hill eating chicken fried steak soaked on orange sauce  

 

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Cleveland Friend

  In my philosophy class today we talked about an interesting topic called “Cleveland Friend”. That’s a friend you get when you are in Cleveland. You are in Cleveland and you are in trouble, do you have a friend you call who will get on the plane to help you as soon as they hear you are in trouble? 

I am not talking about significant other but a friend who you do not owe money or who is not there to get any help from you. Do you have a friend like that? I do not. 

It’s sad. But at the same time, are you a Cleveland friend to someone? Will you do that for someone at any cost? Would I do that? 

Maybe. 

This week is rather depressing. Finals are coming up faster than I hoped. The weather has been crazy it seems like  there’s a flood alert every weekend from now on and I just want to crawl into a bed and read all the books that I got. I can’t start reading them because they feel like a commitment and if I start reading it you bet I won’t be studying for my physics test.

I am also very excited about my study abroad to Cambodia. I know it’s like 8 months away but how do you sleep when all you are thinking about “I am going to travel to a new place! Eat different food! Experience a new culture” 

The only scary part is that I just broke my savings to pay off all my credit card debt. As of right now I have no debt other than student loan. I am going to have to pay 700$ for my car insurance next week. (I pay it once for the whole year to save money ) it’s least likely I will be able to save up for my trip. My estimated budget is about $5000 to have a comfortable trip. I am hoping for scholarships to atleast have some of it paid off. Just a bit stressed out about how to pay it without being in debt since I am also getting my own apartment next year.  I hope it works out. I was planning on working on some side jobs but they seem very time consuming. I wish I was good enough writer to earn money through writing blog or creative.

Hope your week is going well.

 

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Life can sometimes make you very very vey unhappy

Do you wake up one day and remember something happened a long time ago and it makes you feel very angry and just wants to make you go back and punch that person on the face? It’s probably been too long and no need for you to do that but you just can’t let that go from your mind no matter how hard you try? Well that happened to me today. I was already stressed about two tests coming up on same day. I had a very long 12 hours shift and it was also a game day plus weekend, so we stayed busy the whole time. I was tired. Out of nowhere I started crying like a crazy person. I miss myself. I can’t remember the last time I was jumping up and down excited, or cried my eyes out because I felt loved and happy. I am not saying I am not loved. I know I am loved, I know I am happy. But sometimes… sometimes everything seems to go wrong. You come across people who constantly put you down for no apparent reason and you can’t seem to figure why do they not like you. You come across people who loves pushing words on you to show their authority or to sound smart.

I remember the girl I used to be. I used to go to the rooftop of our 5th story apartment building and look at the ocean. I used to sing songs to the crows and imagined that they probably would discuss “the funny human creature” they saw today during dinner conversation. I remember the girl who would call and hang up purposely to her friend when the favorite song would come up on the radio. Because, phone calls and text messages were too expensive.

I remember in winter we would go visit my grandma’s house and everyone would make vapa pitha (also known as idli, it’s a steamed snack that’s made with rice flour and sometimes coconut and palm sugar stuffing) If we were lucky we would also have fresh palm syrup.

Then I come back to reality. I have to make enough money to get by, to save up for an apartment, to save up for some kind of emergency accident and also paying off student loan, make sure I keep my grades up otherwise everything else is wrong. I kind of enjoy the stress and business that comes with it but sometimes I get tired. I am always expected to keep doing something. I am way behind as far being social goes, I haven’t had time to explore the inner adventure self of mine yet. I am just waiting for this coming month to be over and go home for winter break.

I didn’t want to mask my sadness because everyone has bad days but to end the post with something fun I did last week.

IMG_4968IMG_4969IMG_4972IMG_4966IMG_4964

^^ Shakespeare On The Farm “As You Like It”

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Camping at Meridian


So do you remember last time I told you that I plan on camping at all the state parks in Texas? Well I figured I gotta get moving with that list since Texas isn’t tiny. Our plan was to go to mustang state island which is right by the beach. The weather has been sunny and cold at night so it seemed like a perfect time. But just the day before we found out there’s a red tide and I don’t know about you, but I definitely wouldn’t like to spend my day off with dead fish. We hurried to find another campsite that’s not way too far. After few hours of searching we settled on Meridian state park. Most parks were reserved already.

We didn’t organize  our camping stuff very well. So we bought some chips, salsa, bananas, batteries for lantern, water, travel size shampoo and a rotassire chicken. We couldn’t find our lantern+fan but figured it was in our car and we rolled with it. We still had few travel size toiletteries from last time so that worked out. The ride was pretty pleasant other than a weird 30 minutes of heavy rain and a full stop traffic in the middle of the road for construction. My gps had few minor difficulties. I lost my phone signal completely as soon we got to meridian. We camped near the corner but we didn’t have as much privacy as McKinney falls. We opened up our instant tent and found our lantern inside lit up!! Seriously, it’s been more than a month and I was quite surprise that the battery was still going strong. We changed the battery out to turn the fan on but the fan gave up on us

   luckily, it wasn’t hot and humid and towards the end of the night we actually got pretty cold. This time we didn’t take our air mattress and got ourself some sleeping bags. They were pretty cheap ones so it wasn’t as cushiony as I would like it to be. Next time we would have to get some sleeping pad and lots of blankets. We slept pretty good that night.
The park itself is pretty small. It’s great for fishing and kayaking. We talked about getting kayak boats although I don’t see it happening soon since none of our car is too big and it’s very less likely we will be back at this park again. It’s a decent park but not great enough to travel about 2hrs and 30 minutes to camp when we could find something new.

  
  

  
 We went for a small hike to the scenic overview on the very same day. It was beautiful. The next morning after we woke up we went for a full hike and hiked about 2.6 miles. On our way we saw a huge snake family which was a bit scary. Good thing we didn’t see them the day before. Sleeping at night would’ve been a torture. On our way back we stopped by a place called “burger and wok.” We went inside and failed to see the Chinese menu part of it. It was taken off for some reason. So we got ourself fritto pie and burgers and  coffe icecream and double dragon( tso chicken and sweet n sour chicken) to go (icecream had the flavor but it had a bits of little chewy chunky things, sort of if you tried to make a dough and the starch didn’t mix well , that kind) other foods were okay.



  
The next day was Saturday and Austin was having their pecan street festival. We took a bus to downtown to see it.

  
 We got ourself funnel cake (delicious!!) we didn’t buy anything and just walked around. We ended up walking from 6th street to Barton spring road and went to sandys to get icecream.

  
We got back from the festival tired and happy. It was a happy weekend.

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Song That I am Listening to..

I wish I could do better by you,
Cos that’s what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
In order for this to work.

While I’m off chasing my own dreams,
Sailing around the world,
Please know that I’m yours to keep,
My beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
Knowing that I may have been the cause,
If you were to leave, fulfill someone elses dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don’t ask for no diamond rings,
No delicate string of pearls,
That’s why I wrote this song to sing,
My beautiful girl

xo

This is such a sweet and romantic song! When I first heard it I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics but when I did it’s even more beautiful.

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Camping 

The only few times in my life I admit that I made mistakes, this week was one of them and I would love to pass on that advice to anyone who is willing to hear. Most likely I know any sensible person would already know that but here it goes “Do not set up your tent when it’s raining.”  

  I am glad that we invested on a tarp. Who knew out of all the days of summer the one day we reserved for camping is going to be full of pouring rain. Speaking of which I suggest reserving your campsite in advance. You can do it online and pay it online if you are going to a state park. We got a pretty good camping site. Very close to the restroom and shower but not so close that you see everyone going in and out. We had good privacy.  For tent, we picked a 4 person tent. Seriously! When buying tent make sure to think of it as you are buying for double the amount of people. We had comfortable space for two people. I cannot imagine 4 people in there. I believe it’s called ozturk instant dome 4 person tent. I am quite happy with the purchase. The tent was super easy to set up. Less than 3 minutes. For sleeping we got a twin sized air bed mattress. Even though it says on tent packaging that a queen size mattress would fit. The tent door is very tiny for that. And there wouldn’t be any moving space at all. We made the mistakes of getting an electric pumped one. We ran and bought ac inverter to pump the mattress from car. We also didn’t try to pump it at home before using it. It’s advised that you pump your mattress for few hours before using it. It was still comfortable but sleeping bag  would probably have done the job. We also got a cheap camp light with fan and I am so glad that I did. Even with the raining and cool weather it definitely does get warm inside the tent and the very little airflow the fan provided was a life saver. We realized when the batteries went out around 4 am. It was our fault for not packing extra batteries. So pack extra batteries folks. Pack light. I brought 3 books and ton of food and other stuff. Get a freezer bag with travel size mouthwash, soap, powder (help you with sweat), shampoo and conditioner if you are thinking about staying for few days, lotion, hand towels and baby wipes. I kept the baby wipes in cooler so it felt like heaven in humidity. Speaking of which get a small cooler to keep water. We bought 24 pack water to wash our face and drinking. Bring extra pair of clothes and swimsuits, towels and a book. There’s nothing wrong with getting granola bars and take out food 

   
    

Even though we had brought cooking stove and stuff, we couldn’t resist take out bbq.

Thankfully we had an extra towel to lay it inside the tent so we were able to wipe our feet coming in. We didn’t have to if I waited for the rain to stop to set the tent.    
Have plenty of plastic bags to store dirty clothes and trash. Paper towels and flashlight is good idea. I also recommend having extra roll of toilet paper just incase. I have to say I was very pleased with how well taken care was the park. No horror in the toilet stalls. We saw park rangers all the time. For cooking I brough camping pots and pans, stove with butane.  

    
  

We also had pancake mix (add water and pour kind) however we totally forgot oil. The pans were not nonsticky. So we settled for canned steak and potatoes. It was good.  

If you plan on going out for stroll or paranoid about someone stealing your stuff. Invest in a very tiny locks to lock the zipper. If anybody wants to steal anything from your tent they might as well just use a knife to cut through it and you shouldn’t be taking expensive stuff to camping anyway, but it does give you peace of mind.

It was a pleasant experience over all. And I am going to do it again 🙂 hopefully all around United States someday!! 

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Go on an adventure with a complete stranger

Since being single I have been thinking a lot about my life. I spent most of my time securing a perfect future. Be with the man I hope to have a family one day and make sure that we are financially secure for our future, making sure he is happy, making sure everyone is happy. I have put off hanging out with friends, making new friends because I was so invested with making my future perfect. I thought I was happy, and I don’t think I was unhappy..But I think I should take action to let my random side explore and stop being so worried and focused about my future. I have done something today that I never thought I would..

I bought a ziplining package from groupon earlier this year hoping to go with my ex.. It never worked out and now that it’s about to expire I was worried about losing the value.. The place was in boerno which is pretty far away, and being a nervous driver I didn’t want to drive that far. None of the people I knew weren’t available or couldn’t drive that far.. So I took advantage of online meeting people site..(ahem dating site? Where else you can meet people who give you attention and be extra nice to you? )

I wasn’t thinking too much when I asked stephen if he wanted to go ziplining with me.. He said yes, I also felt a bit safe since he lived in the apartment next to me. I bought a groupon for ziplining at the beginning of the year and it was about to expire. I didn’t feel comfortable driving 2 hours away from austin and none of my friends were up for it either. So… I took a chance and I am glad I did. It turned out to be one of the spontaneous thing I have ever done.image

On our way to Boerne we noticed this tiny little fair was happening. We parked by DQ to grab some icecream and walked over to the fair. They had these tiny little booths full of pretty things, antiques, decor, bags. I regretted not having cash on me.

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Look at this cool car!

We stopped by a tiny little coffee shop next to the fair. It was the most adorable place I have seen. I would definitely drive an hour to go visit that coffee shop. Well maybe..

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Little lounge area

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Wall full of kiddie arts..

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Then we walked to the courthouse and they were getting ready to do yoga.

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We hit the road again after our little stop. We saw a trail of vintage cars, I posted a video of it on my instagram.

Once we arrived at the location we were welcomed by longhorns. We parked by the office only to find out nobody was there..we walked around a bit and then saw a house and knocked in there. A woman came out and she told us to go to the general store.

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We stopped by a little cafe restaurant and had some sweet tea.

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The inside was a little dark, but it was one of the prettiest cozy restaurant I have ever seen.

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Then we went straight to the general store and had some burger and fries

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Then we follow the tour guy and went straight to the climbing tower. I am ashamed to say that I chickened out and didn’t came back after climbing half way through. Rock climbing isnt my thing.

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Then we went to the ziplining place and it was the scariest and funnest thing I have ever done. After that we headed back to austin.

This is probably not the smartest thing I have ever done, nor do I recommend, especially if you don’t feel comfortable going 2 hours way from the city to a country area with a stranger you just met.. But it was definitely fun and I look forward to do some more spontaneous things in future.

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Very Personal Bucket List

IMG_3698Hey,

You probably don’t know that I am single now. Just one stick figure in this whole big world. We just changed too much to carry on the same bundle of feelings that we built together. I don’t want to spend too much time talking about us anymore, let’s talk about me! If there’s one thing I realized after this that is I am very alone. No, not really. I still have friends. But I never had the bestie to just call and go hangout, or talk to with my heart open, or show something interest I found on the internet. I struggle with anxiety when I want to go see something new. I don’t have enough confidence in me to go to the adventures alone. This is probably the very long lasting and hard reality that I will face for the long time. So I made me a list of things I want to accomplish not to fit in a perfect romantic picture with someone but because I have always wanted to.

1. Learn how to ride a bike.

2. Learn how to swim (this one may be the last one to get done)

3. Go camping (I asked if anyone wanted to go, nobody replied so I figured I should do this my own)

4. Visit a country or different state by myself.

5. Go out to eat somewhere by myself.

6. Focus on cooking new things.

7. And if all those work out, then maybe I will join a meetup group.

So far these are the all the things I added, we will see how it works out.